Quote:

Passage from Chapter XXXIV; pg’s 513- 514

“Ah! you are afraid of yourself,” he said, curling his lip.

“I am. God did not give me my life to throw away; and to do as you wish me, would, I begin to think, be almost equivalent to committing suicide. Moreover before I definitely resolve on quitting England, I will know for certain, whether I cannot be of greater use by remaining in it than by leaving it.”

“What do you mean?”

“It would be a fruitless to attempt to explain; but there is a point on which I have long endured painful doubt, and I can go nowhere till by some means that doubt is removed.” 

Comment:

This passage was interesting to me as it shows Janes internal struggles to determine where she wants to end up in this life that god gave her. She realizes that a life of servitude and pleasing others such as St. John is not what she is destined to do. She has given herself to help others or be that silent but loyal person time and time again and she has found that it is not fulfilling as she once believed it to be. The beginning of the passage when St. John states that she is afraid of herself and that she responds with that she was intrigued me as I wonder if she is referring to being afraid to live her life as she wants it. Again she grew up having to discover exactly what she wants to be and in this moment finds some self discovery in figuring out that her life is definitely not with St. John in India. The end of the passage discusses further that Jane believes there must be a reason for why she has gone through so much pain in her life already and finds that she must finally figure out what that means. 

Question:

Why has Jane endured so much with St. John and why is she just now discovering that the life that he was convinced her to follow is now not the right one? Is this in a way Janes final breaking point from always sticking with what she thought her life would be and finding out it’s okay to be afraid and let her own path find her?